Support Group and Panic Attacks

Tonight was my second time attending Bereavement Support Group at Bayshore Community Hospital. This is a great group of people who make me feel like I am not alone in my thought and feelings. Pretty much if I have thought it or done it, someone else has as well. Nice to know that I am not crazy (yet!).

The group was a little smaller today (only 9 people) as opposed to the 15 from last time. Maybe it was because the weather was supposed to be bad, I don’t know.  Yea, it rained, and it was windy, but it was worth going out to attend this group meeting.

It was easier to attend the group meeting this time. I still HATE the fact that I have to go to a Bereavement Support Group, but I don’t think I could ask for a better group of people. Every one is so kind and warm.

The topic that the facilitator Anna brought up today was how we need to take care of ourselves. Some of the thoughts and answers were going to the doctor for routine care, getting enough sleep and rest, eating during the day with foods that contain good nutrients, and being kind to ourselves. I liked that some of the people said that being kind was often just allowing the tears to flow (without feeling guilty) and sometimes doing nothing which includes lying on the couch, mindlessly staring out the window, or watching something on television just to pass the time.

One woman talked about the panic attacks she used to get when her husband first passed away (about a year and a half ago). She said that whenever she was faced with a new situation or had to deal with something that her husband normally did, she would suffer panic and become unable to do anything.

I mentioned that going to the grocery store creates severe panic in me to the point that I can’t go alone. I tried switching grocery chains to a store that Mark and I never went to together, but the whole concept of shopping was painful and anxiety producing. I’m not alone in this as others also said that grocery shopping (or restaurants, gas stations, department stores, and other places that they’d gone to with their spouses) caused anxiety, fear, sadness, and an overwhelming desire to run like hell. And I am NOT the only one who has left the grocery store without actually buying anything!

It was nice to know that I am not the only one with this issue. I didn’t have trouble getting gas at “our” gas station, but the grocery store is really difficult for me. I didn’t have trouble on the couple of occasions that I went with my friend in the morning before work. The problem is that eventually I am going to have to learn to do this kind of stuff alone. I am going to have to learn to do every day things by myself. I am going to have to do all those things that Mark used to do. I am going to have to stand on my own two feet because, as sad as it is, I am a widow.

As the group said, it is going to get easier. It is going to get better. I am being patient. And I am trying to be kind to myself.

Five Weeks…. and I am still surviving.

I can’t believe that Mark has been gone for five weeks already. It’s still so unreal. And shocking. I sometimes think about what I could have done differently, but really, what is that going to do to change things? NOTHING.

When I start thinking that way, I try very hard to switch gears, and I think about the good times we had, how much we loved each other, and all of the good times we had. I can’t allow myself to go down the road of regret, guilt or any negative thought that will only succeed in making me feel miserable.

I would much rather shed tears over a memory than I would over a guilty thought. I would much rather remember the love and hopes and dreams we had than what I could have done or said differently.

I sometimes get comfort by staring at his photo. I get peace from talking to him. If you think that sounds odd or you think I am crazy, you never lost someone that you loved dearly. My mom passed away in 2000, and sometimes I still talk to her.

I miss Mark dearly, and it sometimes just hurts to breathe, But I have to go on and move forward. I was home today dealing with the water heater installation, but I was not idle and lifeless. I went through a bunch of paperwork. I sorted through it, and I filed what I needed to keep and I shredded what I didn’t need.

I also wrote a letter to Mark’s creditors to inform him of his passing. I have been meaning (needing?) to do it for the last couple of weeks, but it was one of those things that was just too painful and intense for me to do. It got to the point that I finally had enough of the phone calls from his creditors and I knew I had to start doing something. It was difficult for me to obtain all the creditors and account numbers because Mark did everything electronically with no “paper trail”. I located as many of the creditors and account numbers that I could, made copies of Mar’s death certificate, and wrote a letter for each one. They are ready to go in the mail tomorrow. I am pretty sure that I missed a couple, but I am sure they will be calling me (or sending me a statement) at some point in the near future.

In a way it was good that I was not on his credit cards and accounts because, as an attorney told me, I am not responsible for that debt. But at the same time, I was really in the dark about his personal finances. I honestly had no idea how many accounts/credit cards that he had that I didn’t know about. There are still a few things (accounts?) that I have no idea what they are because he paid them through a company called “mycheckfree” (or something like that). I tried accessing it, but none of his usual logins and passwords worked. I tried to request a password reset, but the security questions are SOOO obscure, I can’t even guess what they are. I also tried calling them, but they would not give me access to his account information because I am not on the account. I figure whatever it (they) are, I am not tied to them because we really have no joint credit accounts. So unless I get some sort of statement, they will remain forever inaccessible and unpaid.

I was initially upset about the “unknown” (the stuff that I didn’t know about), but not any more. After all, how he treated me, how he loved me, and how he took care of me are what matters now.

And with that all of that financial babble, the bottom line is that I have survived five weeks without Mark. Soon the weeks will turn into months. And with those months, I am hoping that the deep pain will lessen. I can’t imagine that the loneliness will subside, but maybe it won’t be so heart wrenching. And hopefully soon the tears will lessen, and my heart will not feel as though it is being ripped out from my chest.

Time heals. I know that. And life goes on.

This is NOT my job!

Today, like most other days, Belle and I had lunch together. I kept thinking I was hearing water running. I checked the kitchen and all three bathrooms. Nothing was running.

Just out of the blue, I decided to check downstairs… and guess what? The water heater is spewing out water into the floor drain! Ugh!

I call Home Services who are the people that have the maintenance contract on the furnace, A/C and water heater. They say they will send out a service man by 10PM. Oh yay, I get to sit and wait for seven hours! Just lovely.

Luckily the guy came much quicker than I would have thought. He confirmed it. The water heater is shot. Double oh yay!

He tells me that Home Services will call me with a price quote and time frame. Fortunately they do, and they will come tomorrow to install it between 9 – 3. I’m just happy that it will only be 24 hours without hot water. It could be much worse.

After the appointment was made, it occurred to me that this was the kind of stuff that Mark would always take care of for us. I never had to do it. If something broke or service needed to be called, he set it up and most times he stayed home to deal with it.

This is not my job. I don’t like doing all this stuff. It’s not fair that I have to do it. But I did learn something, I may not like it, but I CAN do it.

Yay Me!

Parties, Holidays, and “Firsts”…

So today is President’s Day, and it is one of the holidays that I must work, but Mark would have been off. He more than likely would have had an early dialysis treatment, and he’d be home by the time I got home. We would have had a nice quiet dinner together, and just relaxed together while enjoying our extra evening together – one that was not shortened by his treatment.

In a perfect world, that’s how it would have been. But life’s not perfect; far from it. Instead, this is just another “holiday” that I am spending alone. It’s going to be a year of “firsts” that I will spend alone. First Valentine’s Day. First Birthdays. First Easter. First Memorial Day. First Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. First Anniversary. First Fourth of July. First Summer. First Labor Day….

You get the idea. A year of “firsts” that I will spend without my husband and best friend.

I managed to get through Valentine’s Day which also marked ONE MONTH since Mark passed away. It was not fun and on top of it, I was sick. I had to take a half day of work because I was physically sick with some respiratory thing! And emotionally I was spent with all the “hearts and cupids” and flowers and candy that were everywhere. I spent the afternoon and evening at home. With Belle. On the couch. Watching TV.

I lived through it. I knew I would. I didn’t want to be alone, but again, life is far from fair.

Then to end an already tough week, I had a Surprise 50th Birthday Party to attend on Saturday, the 16th. It was for Mark’s close childhood friend Jeff (and Best Man in our wedding). I did attend the party. I had the love and support of my good friends Dawn and Patrick who were also invited to attend. I was able to drive to their house, and then hitch a ride with them to the party. I am so grateful that they went because they were terrific moral support for me.

The party was entertaining, and it was nice to be able to share in Jeff’s happiness. But at the same time, it was bittersweet. I don’t know when or if I will see Jeff and his wife again. They were closer to Mark than I was, and we didn’t see them very often because they are busy, have three kids and they live 2 hours away.

I was also introduced to members of the family that I had heard numerous stories about over the years. It was a shame that the first time I got to meet them was after Mark passed away.

I know that Mark would have been so proud of me for going to the party. I’d like to think he is smiling down at me for finding the courage to get dressed up, put on my happy face, and go the party! I hope he knows that Dawn and Patrick were the reason that I found the courage to go.

It gets better. That’s what everyone tells me. Other widows say it takes time. It gets better with time. Maybe if I keep repeating it, I will begin to believe it.

Repeat after me…

It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time. It gets better with time.

Attending a Bereavement Support Group

I went to my very first Bereavement Support Group Meeting last night at the local hospital. I was a little nervous and anxious as I waited to leave my house. When I got to the hospital, I got sad thinking that the last time I was at the hospital was right after Mark had passed away.

I did manage to go inside and went to the room where the meeting was being held. There were about 8 people there when I got there. All were welcoming and friendly. By the time the meeting started, there were about 15 people total, and about 4 of us were first timers.

The group was a general bereavement group, but most of the people there had lost a spouse. Two women had lost their mothers, one woman lost her father, and another woman lost her brother and a best friend.

The group was mainly women, with two men there. All of the people were at different stages of the healing process. One woman was four years out, and many were 1-2 years out.

The group was facilitated by one of the Chaplains at the hospital. She was a very nice and soothing type of woman, and I liked her immediately. She talked about the grieving process. She said it was different for each person, and it is a highly personal thing. She talked about the physical symptoms of grieving including sadness, constant crying, anxiety/panic, depression, as well as headaches, aches and pains, and a pain in
the chest bone (although she did encourage a doctor visit as it could be something more serious). She said that sleep at this time is very important because it helps the body heal and rest from the pain and stress. She said in the early stages of grief, it is important not to get overtaxed or over tired. She suggested reaching out to family and friends to help with simple tasks like cooking, cleaning, and running errands.

She went around the room having everyone state their name, and if they were able, to tell who they lost and any other details they wanted to share. I couldn’t really share much because the pain, loss and tears were overwhelming. All I managed to share was my name, and I told them that I lost my husband Mark almost 4 weeks ago.

It was comforting to hear the other people share their story and how they were coping, and it was good to feel that I was not alone in how I was feeling. The people were very warm, and so so kind. After the group meeting, they were huggy and kept saying I should come back and let them all help me through it. They all said they understand and they know first hand what I am going through. The hugs were warm and genuine, and they were most welcomed. I was so used to getting many hugs from Mark each day, and now I miss the physical contact that we had.

I will go back in two weeks. I found it helpful in the sense that I am not alone, and it got me out of my house, and around people. I don’t know when (or if) I will be able to tell my story or talk about Mark without crying, but I think the comfort is worth going for.

The frustrations of dealing with a bureaucracy that doesn’t give a….

When someone close to you passes away, you are suddenly forced to make decisions, contact companies, and try to put all sorts of things into perspective and some semblance of order. This is definitely no easy task for someone who is grieving.

I have encountered numerous frustrations from some of the companies that I have had to call to inform them that Mark had passed away. I certainly understand this because Mark was a Teacher for the State of NJ. That translates to “government” so you know that they are going to move at a snail’s pace. I have accepted that, and I realize that I will have to make numerous follow up calls to ensure that they do what they need to do.

The Social Security Administration, who also handles the Medicare system (which Mark had because of his End Stage Renal Disease) was another government entity that screwed things up, and probably will continue to do so. In a nutshell, I called Medicare to inform them that Mark had passed away. They told me to call the Social Security Administration. I did call them, but I had to hold for a long time. They told me that they would cancel his Medicare coverage and stop the payments from being debited. I also inquired about the Social Security Death Benefit which is a whopping $255. They told me that I needed to have a “phone interview” to collect it. They told me that I would receive a date to do this via a letter in the mail. It’s been three weeks since I contacted them. I am still waiting on the letter.

Wouldn’t you know that Social Security/Medicare actually debited the Medicare payment AFTER I reported him as deceased.  When I called again, I was told that a form would need to be mailed to me, and after they received it back, I would get the refund in 4-6 weeks. I was placed on hold for an hour while the moron tried to locate the form. I finally gave up and called back the next day. I spoke with someone else who informed me that there was no form, but he contacted the billing department, and I would receive a check in the mail in 4 weeks.

Ok, so here’s the thing that pissed me off today. Let me back track a little bit. Mark had a car loan for his Buick LaCrosse. The loan was with Chase Auto Finance. I was not on the loan, and I had no responsibility for the loan or the car. After Mark passed away, I called Chase who informed me that the “probate department” would have to call me in 48 hours. They called after nearly 3 1/2 days, and I spoke with someone in that department. I was told that I had three options:

• Pay off the vehicle
• Assume the car loan
• Surrender the vehicle

Well, I obviously chose to surrender the vehicle. I didn’t want it, and I certainly did NOT want that car payment. The Probate Representative were very kind and helpful. I was told that I needed to fax a letter with a copy of the death certificate to them. The letter needed to state that I wanted to surrender the vehicle, and that there were no assets and no probate. She said that once they received the letter and death certificate, they would have a company call me who would pick up the vehicle. I was told that they would sell the car, and if they received more money than was owed, Mark’s estate would receive a check. If they sold the car for less than was owed, they would just “eat the loss”.

It all went as planned. A day after faxing the required documents to Chase, a very nice gentleman called me from a Recovery Service to schedule a pick up. I scheduled it for Saturday, the 2nd of February. The man showed up, and he was kind and polite. He signed my “receipt” and offered his condolences on the loss of my husband. Nice guy and very professional. I figured at this point I was done with them as I was sure I was not getting a check from them!

Today I receive a letter from Chase Auto Finance. This is what it says:

Dear Mark Clark:

We have your 2010 Buick La Crosse because you broke the promise in our agreement.

We will sell the Vehicle at private sale sometime after 2/17/2013.

The money that we get from the sale (after paying our costs) will reduce the amount you owe. If we get less money that you owe, you will still owe us the difference. If we get more money that you owe, you will get the extra money, unless we must pay it to someone else.

You can get the Vehicle back at any time before we sell it by paying us the full amount you owe (not just the past due payments), including our expenses. To learn the exact amount you must pay, call us at the telephone number provided below.

If you want us to explain to you in writing how we have figured the amount that you owe us, you may call us at the telephone number provided below and request a written explanation.

If you need more information about your right to redeem the Vehicle, the mount needed to redeem the Vehicle, or the sale of the Vehicle,call us at the telephone number below.

We are sending this notice to the following other people who have an interest in the Vehicle or who owe money under your agreement.

The purpose of this letter is to assist us in collecting a consumer debt and any information obtained will be used for that purpose. Your immediate attention to this matter is anticipated.

Sincerely, Redemption Department

This letter was obviously a form letter, however IF the person sending the letter read the notes in my file (or the computer spilled out a correct listing of people who should actually receive this letter), I would not have gotten it. There were so many things in this letter that were so wrong.

First of all, Chase’s record should note that Mark is dead. The file was in the Probate Department, and they received a Death Certificate. So because he is dead, he did not break his promise to pay the loan! He friggin’ died!

Then I was told that because Mark died with no assets, and I was not on the loan, if they sold the vehicle than what was owed, they would “eat the loss”. The letter stated that he will owe the difference.

The letter states that “We are sending this notice to the following other people who have an interest in the Vehicle or who owe money under your agreement.”  There was no list following, and if they looked at their records, they would see that Mark was solely responsible for the loan.

And my personal favorite part of this letter is the last line that states, “Your immediate attention to this matter is anticipated”. Ok, what part of “HE’S DEAD!” do you not get???

I called the number on the letter. The woman transferred me to someone in the Redemption Department. She asked me ALL the information that was required to access the account (the account number, Mark’s social security number, the vehicle type, our home address, and the phone number on file). I gave her everything she asked, and she wanted to know how she could help me. I told her about the letter that I received. She told me that she was not allowed to help me because I am not authorized on the account. I asked her how this could be if I was able to access it to surrender the car back to them. She kept repeating that she couldn’t help me. I asked her who could, and she told me that I needed to contact the Probate Department. I asked her if the file was in the Probate Department, why was Mark being asked to call the redemption department? Obviously if it was in Probate, that would mean he was dead. She told me that she couldn’t help me because I am not on the account.

When I asked who I should contact to get this straightened out, and again the ignorant bimbo said she couldn’t give me any information because I was not on the account. I asked her to transfer me to Probate. She informed me that they close at 5:30 PM. It was 5:32 PM. It figures.

I guess tomorrow I will call the Probate Department because this is wrong on so many levels. It never should have gone to the Redemption Department because Mark was deceased. Obviously he is not going to call them to get his car back. And I should NOT have to deal with the stupidity of it all when my husband has died! And that representative could not have been colder to me. Never did she apologize for not being able to help me. Never did she offer her condolences.

Too bad I didn’t have $1.00 for each time she told me that she couldn’t help me, I’d be able to put gas in my car!!

What I learned from Winter Storm Nemo….

Heart of snow for Bunny

So a snowstorm ripped through our area. I dreaded it because I’ve hated snow and all that is associated with it since school snow days became a thing of the past.

The weatherman talked about doom and gloom. They were predicting a foot of snow with high winds that could cause power outages. That’s all I needed to hear. The panic started to settle in. I dreaded shoveling all that snow. I started fearing a power outage with no light and heat on a snowy night. I was afraid to be alone without Mark because he was the one who always balanced me.

I became a wimp. I left the office early once the snow started to stick on the ground. I always told people that I don’t drive in snow, but the reality of it all is that I did. I can’t remember the last time I left early due to snow. I just couldn’t stay at the office. I knew that I couldn’t take chances because if something happened to me there was no one left to take care of Belle.

I stressed all night over the snow falling. I worried about power outages and made sure I had flashlights around. I made sure that my iPad and cell phone were charged.

When I went to bed about midnight, it was a winter wonderland outside. The snow was falling heavily, and I went to bed fearing the worst, and feeling lonely and scared.

I woke at 7:00 AM. I figured that Belle would need to pee. I took her out, and there it was. A white winter wonderland. I stuck my ruler in the snow on the deck. The measure was 8-1/2 inches. I didn’t want to face it, so I went back to bed, dreading the shoveling that was going to have to be done.

I stayed in bed for as long as I could. Finally about noon, I went out to battle the white shit. I’d hoped that some teenager would knock on my door to make a few bucks shoveling out my driveway. No kids knocked. My next door neighbor didn’t come over, offering to help. In fact, it looked like he wasn’t even out yet because his snow was still virginal.

I shoveled the driveway and the sidewalk. I cleaned off my car and put it into the garage. It took me about an hour. I missed the fun that Mark and I would have when we shovel. We’d throw snowballs at each other. We’d make snow angels. We would chase Belle around the yard. Today I had none of that. It was a harsh reality that this is how it is going to be for me.

But I learned something from Winter Storm Nemo. I learned that:

• I can shovel my driveway and sidewalk
• I am strong enough to fight my own fears of storms
• I can make a mean homemade French Onion Soup
• Belle likes snow even if her Daddy is no longer physically with us

I’m not liking my new way of life. It’s going to take time to adjust and cope. It’s going to take a lot of grieving to get past this. I am going to miss Mark forever. But so far, in spite of daily (sometimes almost constant) tears, I am learning that I can be strong when I need to be. I have survived 3 1/2 weeks of being a widow. I have hated everything single minute of it, but I am surviving.

I am determined to push forward and come out a stronger and better person. I will need help. I won’t always be capable of asking for it. I will have my share of tears and pain and hurt, but I am determined to come out of this on the other side in one piece. I know I have to do it because that is what Mark would have wanted for me.

I love you Bunny… and I miss you tons!

My thoughts on Day 19 (or OMG, I’m a widow!)

It’s closing in on three weeks since Mark has been gone. It’s been hell just about every minute of every day.

People say to take it one day at a time. I reduced that to one hour at a time. That didn’t work. Now even one minute at a time can be WAY too long.

I am just lost. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I miss Mark so much. I know he would want me to do what I need to do and be as strong as I could. I always felt that I was weak, but he always told me that I was the most amazingly strong person he ever met and that I underestimated my own strength.

He told me that he KNEW if I put my mind to it, I could do or be anything I wanted. I tried to believe it because he had an amazing way of seeing and knowing things.

I am trying to keep things moving forward. I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I am slowly getting the paperwork done (insurance, notifying companies, changing account names, finding out what we owe, paying/accessing bills). It is a slow process. It is painful and overwhelming. I have to take a lot of breaks in between these things.

I am trying to view my future in the short term. I can’t think of anything too far ahead because it just seems too empty and lonely. And it is damn painful for me when I realize that I am a widow at the age of 49.

I’ve decided that I will need to move out of this rental condo. This condo was too big when Mark and I lived in it. Now it is just huge and lonely, and it costs too much each month. If I continue to live here and pay rent and utilities, I will be going into savings each month and that is just wasting money. Since I do rent it, by law since Mark passed away, I can break the lease.

Ideally I would like to move out of here in the Spring… somewhere around April or May. My biggest option is my dog. She is about 90 pounds, so that may limit where I live. It won’t be impossible for me to find a place to live with her, but it will be a little tough. There are a few other factors, but I am hoping that they can be overcome.

Another problem is that I HATE (can you say detest, abhor, despise, dislike, etc) talking to strangers and making phone calls. Can you say anxiety and panic????? I may contact a real estate agent by email to help me find something. Or I may ask one of my close friends to call the places that I find and go with me to look at them. (Did I mention how much I hate to ask people for help? Ugh!! Ugh! UGH!!) I just hope that someone CAN help me with this. I can’t do it alone.

I know that they say you should not make any big decisions for the first year, but this is a necessary evil. I will need to be a bit more frugal these days. Besides, Mark and I were going to move in September anyway.

When it comes to moving, I also know I will have to go through Mark’s stuff. I will DEFINITELY need help with that. As much as I hate asking people for help, this is something I will need help with. I can’t do this all alone. It will be too hard for me to do alone. It is going to be a daunting task, and I really dread it. Again, this is something I am going to have to ask for help with. Ugh! UGH! UGH!!

Mark liked “stuff”. He collected things and when we moved into this condo, we still (after 18 months) have boxes and boxes of stuff we never unpacked. I will need to open those boxes and re-evaluate what I want to keep, and what I need to donate. We always talked about downsizing, but it didn’t happen. Now I will have to make it happen because all of this stuff is just taking up space.

My goal is to have a simple life. I only want the things that I really need. I want a small and quaint place to call home with my sweet dog. I want to feel safe and find myself — even if it is as a single woman (widow? Oh my God, I am a widow!!).

I don’t need to hoard canned goods like the plague is coming. Mark needed the security of knowing that we had a LOT of food in the house. I need just enough stuff to have extras. (I’m not kidding you, but we probably have 12 cans of corn and 40 cans of soups). One or two cans of corn is all I need. 5-6 varieties of soup is good. It’s just me. I don’t need an abundance of everything. I need to have “just enough”. I have a chest freezer filled with frozen meals, bags of veggies, portioned uncooked meat and leftovers. Mark grew up poor so he was always afraid of not having food (and clothes and STUFF!).

The future is scary for me. I am afraid of being alone. I do not like being a widow. But there are certain things that I have to do even if I have to step WAY out of my comfort zone. Finding a place to call home is high on the list of priorities. I just want to find some peace and quiet. I want to put my life back together and try to start all over again.

The hardest time for me is driving home from the office. I have cried every day from the moment I get in the car until I get home (and take Belle out and get into my PJs). It is becoming my daily ritual. I hate it. Oh wait, there were two days I didn’t cry on the way home! Those were the two days that I drove my friend to the train station. On those days, I waited until I got in the house to do the crying thing.

I know, I know, what I feel is a normal reaction. I get that. I do. But I don’t have to like it, do I?

I’m not one of those people who constantly asks their friends and family for help. In fact, I never ask people for help because I don’t like to appear needy or weak. This is all so uncomfortable on so many levels with one being that I don’t like drama and “drama sharers”. I don’t like crying in public (in my opinion, it shows drama and weakness, both of which I can’t handle). I spend a lot of time fighting back tears. I hate that too. I do not want to “fall apart”, and I will do all I can to avoid it.

I always knew Mark would go first, but I always thought we would have more time. I didn’t think it would happen this soon. I always thought we would more time.

For the record, this fucking sucks.

16 days since my life changed…

It’s all a big blur, but yet so real that it is frightening, overwhelming, and emotionally draining.

My brother Jeff came out the morning after Mark passed away. He made all the arrangements for Mark’s cremation and Memorial Service. He made me a spreadsheet of all the stuff he thought I would need as well as a list of things that I needed to do. He contacted people and companies. He answered the phone when I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Having him here was exactly what I needed (and wanted).

You don’t have to be blood to be family!

Me and my brother Jeff

For those of you who don’t know, Jeff and I are not biological siblings. I was adopted as an infant, and Jeff was the biological son of my adoptive parents. Sure, we fought as children, but when we became teenagers, he developed that protective brother thing.  He’s always been there for me anytime I ever needed him, and he has always treated me like a treasured sister. I am extremely lucky to have him for my brother.

A lot of friends came by the first week to visit, and it was quite welcome. I did get to see some friends who I hadn’t seen in MANY years! It was nice to see them, but unfortunately it had to be under such poor circumstances.

After Jeff went back, I was left to fend for myself. the first week was difficult and lonely, but the shock had not worn off. I went through the motions of life, and I did get a lot of the calls made and things done that were on my list.

During that first week, I also took care of some personal stuff like going to the doctor and dentist, and taking my sweet Goldendoodle, Belle, to the vet for her rabies shot and check up.

The Memorial Service was held on January 26, 2013, and it was bittersweet. I was able to see my friends, and all of the friends from Mark’s school that I got to know throughout the years. I also met some new people from the school he was currently working at.

The turnout was very nice. We had about 60 people who stayed for the meal, and close to 70 in all. The service was beautifully done by a close friend who is a Life Cycle Celebrant. When the person doing the service knows the deceased, it makes all the difference. She did a wonderful job, and I am forever grateful for her generosity. Mark always liked her, and I was happy that she offered to help us. Mark would have been proud. She has shown what a good friend she is, and I am grateful for her and our friendship.

We had the Memorial Service at an Italian Restaurant called Pulcinelli’s in Parlin, NJ. It was catered by Lisa’s Pizza, and all of the food was just wonderful The cake was a yellow cake with bananas and strawberries in the filling, which was Mark’s favorite cake. He used to always get it for baked for birthdays (especially mine because he knew I loved it as well). The day was a wonderful way to honor my beautiful and loving husband.

Going back to work at the ten-day mark was a blessing and a curse. It was good to get into a routine, but there were still so many phone calls to make and things to do. It was also hard to concentrate for long periods of time. My mind would wander and then the sadness would hit, and I’d find myself fighting back tears.

Going home in the evening was tough. I was used to being alone a lot because Mark had dialysis three nights a week, and he wouldn’t get home until nearly 8:30 PM. But I knew this was different, and it was hard to cope with the loneliness. Some nights were easier than others. A couple of nights I talked to friends on the phone, and that helped me. Just having a conversation with someone was a relief from the emptiness. It didn’t even have to be a long phone call, just 10-15 minutes was enough to make me feel like I was not alone.

I have been receiving cards in the mail just about every day. I have read every single one. I still have not been able to read the cards that Mark’s students made for me, and I haven’t been able to read the memory books that we put on the tables at the Memorial. I’m not sure when I will be able to read them. It’s just too painful now.

I have been keeping a list of the cards and stuff that I’ve received. I know that I should send thank you cards, but damn, this is so painful that I don’t even know when I will be able to write them out. It would be like stabbing myself in the heart with each card I would write.

Today I made my first trip to the grocery store. I couldn’t go to the store that we normally went to because I didn’t want to deal with the memories. Actually every where I go has memories. Driving down the highway reminds me of Mark. I drive along and I see our favorite restaurant or the McDonald’s where I’d get my McRib. I pass the Dunkin’ Donuts that Mark would always get my coffee and “flavor of the season” donut. I guess the bottom line is that being out hurts and staying in the house hurts.

I’m trying to be more social now. I used to be a pretty social person, but it just about stopped when Mark was diagnosed with kidney failure. His energy level was never good, so the fatigue kept us in the house a lot. Sometimes I hated being home all the time, but for the most part, I simply changed my thinking, and I grew to enjoy our quiet times together.

Tomorrow I am going out with a friend for a few hours. She cares for horses, and she invited me to go. I will admit that I am afraid of horses (they are HUGE!) but I will step out of my comfort zone, and I will try to join the world of the living. On Tuesday I have plans to go out with another friend. He and I are going to do dinner at Jose Tejas in Woodbridge. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. We always talked about getting together, but it never happened. Now it can. I can go back to being the social person that I used to be before I stepped into my “caregiver booth”.

I am trying to keep busy and find myself again, but is not easy. I know that Mark would not want me to sit in the house day after day, night after night and just cry. He’d want me to be happy. I don’t know when happy will come, but I can at least try to keep moving.