Home > Life as a Widow, Love never dies, New Journeys > My thoughts on Day 19 (or OMG, I’m a widow!)

My thoughts on Day 19 (or OMG, I’m a widow!)

ImageIt’s closing in on three weeks since Mark has been gone. It’s been hell just about every minute of every day.

People say to take it one day at a time. I reduced that to one hour at a time. That didn’t work. Now even one minute at a time can be WAY too long.

I am just lost. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I miss Mark so much. I know he would want me to do what I need to do and be as strong as I could. I always felt that I was weak, but he always told me that I was the most amazingly strong person he ever met and that I underestimated my own strength.

He told me that he KNEW if I put my mind to it, I could do or be anything I wanted. I tried to believe it because he had an amazing way of seeing and knowing things.

I am trying to keep things moving forward. I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I am slowly getting the paperwork done (insurance, notifying companies, changing account names, finding out what we owe, paying/accessing bills). It is a slow process. It is painful and overwhelming. I have to take a lot of breaks in between these things.

I am trying to view my future in the short term. I can’t think of anything too far ahead because it just seems too empty and lonely. And it is damn painful for me when I realize that I am a widow at the age of 49.

I’ve decided that I will need to move out of this rental condo. This condo was too big when Mark and I lived in it. Now it is just huge and lonely, and it costs too much each month. If I continue to live here and pay rent and utilities, I will be going into savings each month and that is just wasting money. Since I do rent it, by law since Mark passed away, I can break the lease.

Ideally I would like to move out of here in the Spring… somewhere around April or May. My biggest option is my dog. She is about 90 pounds, so that may limit where I live. It won’t be impossible for me to find a place to live with her, but it will be a little tough. There are a few other factors, but I am hoping that they can be overcome.

Another problem is that I HATE (can you say detest, abhor, despise, dislike, etc) talking to strangers and making phone calls. Can you say anxiety and panic????? I may contact a real estate agent by email to help me find something. Or I may ask one of my close friends to call the places that I find and go with me to look at them. (Did I mention how much I hate to ask people for help? Ugh!! Ugh! UGH!!) I just hope that someone CAN help me with this. I can’t do it alone.

I know that they say you should not make any big decisions for the first year, but this is a necessary evil. I will need to be a bit more frugal these days. Besides, Mark and I were going to move in September anyway.

When it comes to moving, I also know I will have to go through Mark’s stuff. I will DEFINITELY need help with that. As much as I hate asking people for help, this is something I will need help with. I can’t do this all alone. It will be too hard for me to do alone. It is going to be a daunting task, and I really dread it. Again, this is something I am going to have to ask for help with. Ugh! UGH! UGH!!

Mark liked “stuff”. He collected things and when we moved into this condo, we still (after 18 months) have boxes and boxes of stuff we never unpacked. I will need to open those boxes and re-evaluate what I want to keep, and what I need to donate. We always talked about downsizing, but it didn’t happen. Now I will have to make it happen because all of this stuff is just taking up space.

My goal is to have a simple life. I only want the things that I really need. I want a small and quaint place to call home with my sweet dog. I want to feel safe and find myself — even if it is as a single woman (widow? Oh my God, I am a widow!!).

I don’t need to hoard canned goods like the plague is coming. Mark needed the security of knowing that we had a LOT of food in the house. I need just enough stuff to have extras. (I’m not kidding you, but we probably have 12 cans of corn and 40 cans of soups). One or two cans of corn is all I need. 5-6 varieties of soup is good. It’s just me. I don’t need an abundance of everything. I need to have “just enough”. I have a chest freezer filled with frozen meals, bags of veggies, portioned uncooked meat and leftovers. Mark grew up poor so he was always afraid of not having food (and clothes and STUFF!).

The future is scary for me. I am afraid of being alone. I do not like being a widow. But there are certain things that I have to do even if I have to step WAY out of my comfort zone. Finding a place to call home is high on the list of priorities. I just want to find some peace and quiet. I want to put my life back together and try to start all over again.

The hardest time for me is driving home from the office. I have cried every day from the moment I get in the car until I get home (and take Belle out and get into my PJs). It is becoming my daily ritual. I hate it. Oh wait, there were two days I didn’t cry on the way home! Those were the two days that I drove my friend to the train station. On those days, I waited until I got in the house to do the crying thing.

I know, I know, what I feel is a normal reaction. I get that. I do. But I don’t have to like it, do I?

I’m not one of those people who constantly asks their friends and family for help. In fact, I never ask people for help because I don’t like to appear needy or weak. This is all so uncomfortable on so many levels with one being that I don’t like drama and “drama sharers”. I don’t like crying in public (in my opinion, it shows drama and weakness, both of which I can’t handle). I spend a lot of time fighting back tears. I hate that too. I do not want to “fall apart”, and I will do all I can to avoid it.

I always knew Mark would go first, but I always thought we would have more time. I didn’t think it would happen this soon. I always thought we would more time.

For the record, this fucking sucks.

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