Archive for July, 2013

The freshness of a new relationship….

July 2, 2013 2 comments

The freshness of my relationship with G., coupled with the newness of my revamped life, has left me feeling quite elated these days. Do I have the right to be happy? Damned right I do! I don’t need to make any excuses for who I am, what I am doing, and how I feel.

BonGeorge613Honestly, I am feeling quite good these days. My new home is coming together nicely. I am down to a handful of boxes that need to be sorted through. I am quickly reaching the point where I need to just do some decorating such as hanging curtains, buying some area rugs, and hanging pictures and photos. Once I eliminate the few boxes, I will make a final run to Goodwill to get rid of the last of the donations. Once that is done, I will be able to entertain. I am looking forward to cooking a nice dinner for G., which is something that I promised him I would do! And anyone who knows me, knows that I never make a promise that I do not intend to keep!

I have to be honest, I’m in a much better place than I have ever been at any other time in my life. I am not the person that I was six months ago. I am certainly not the person I was when I entered into a relationship at any other point in my life. For the first time in my life, I WANT a relationship, and I do not NEED one. I don’t need someone to support me or take care of me in any way. I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. I think that makes a HUGE difference.

I have found that the start of a new relationship is enjoyable when you don’t feel the need to self-sabotage it! I think G. is the first man I have ever dated with whom I did not over-think and over-analyze things. I’m not sure how to even express why I think this is. If I had to guess, I would say it’s because I am enjoying the newness of this experience, and I don’t feel the need to hold on to it for dear life. I don’t NEED him in my life, but instead I want him to be there. That makes a world of difference.

I hated that I always self-sabotaged a relationship, and then I had to work to try to repair it if I was repairable. With G., I am just going with the flow, and I am taking it one day at a time. I don’t put pressure on him, I don’t dig too deeply into his daily life, I don’t ask too many questions, and I don’t make demands. Surprisingly, this makes getting to know him and spending time with him a lot of fun! And it makes our relationship really very healthy.

In the past, I would always second guess everything thing I did, over-analyze things that were said, worry about where the relationship was going, and do just about every negative thing that I could to destroy the relationship before it ever had a chance to get started.

When you don’t self-sabotage, the start of a relationship is actually fun! There are so many possibilities! I am enjoying getting to know G. as a man, a person, a friend, and a partner. I am learning about him, his family, his past, his likes and dislikes, and his habits. I don’t feel the need to scrutinize every thing that is done and said. I’m not sure why. I guess it is because I’m in a good place and I am secure with myself.

I am not worrying about where our relationship is going, but instead I’m just enjoying each stage because sometimes it just happens and you can’t time it!! (Thank S.S. for those Words of Wisdom) I think because G. calls and texts me quite regularly, I don’t have time to even think about worrying and wondering where this relationship is going. In the past, I could very easily get into an “obsession” mode where my mind starts to do and think stupid thoughts. But because G. is attentive and expressive, I haven’t had any reason, real or imagined, to obsess and create self-induced drama!! Thank goodness because that shit gets really old, really fast!!!

So what’s the point of this blog post? Damned if I even know. I just feel happy, and I want to share it with the world. I have no magical powers to see how my life will turn out, and I am not sure that I want to know. I just want to enjoy it for all that it is.

Since things with G. are going so well, I think I want to begin to share parts of this relationship on this blog because it is becoming a large part of the person I am and the woman I have become. It is a part of my own personal journey – regardless of the outcome.

I know this blog initially started out as something of a journal for Mark’s kidney disease, and when he died it was all about my pain and struggles to go on without him. As I am reaching my full potential as a person and a woman, it may seem like this blog is taking another twist. In a way I suppose that is true since I don’t have the same struggles that I did only five months ago.  In some ways I still miss Mark, but it is not a life that I could go back to, even if I wanted to do it again. It was a difficult and hard life, but it is the one that I chose to stay a part of because it was what I wanted and needed to do — and because it was the right thing to do. My heart no longer aches with the intensity that it did right after Mark died. I no longer feel the extreme pain of his death, and for the first time in a very long time, I can see the forest through the trees. I’ve healed to the point where I am able to see the big picture. And that big picture is very simple. I am still alive, and I need to live my life in a way that brings me the most happiness.

I’ve learned that I want to live simply. I don’t need material things to make me happy. In some cases, less is more. I don’t need fancy and high priced things. I don’t need the latest and greatest trends to be happy. I just need the basic necessities, good friends and family, and enough money to cover the bills with a bit to put aside as a cushion.

Notice I didn’t say that I NEED a man in my life? It’s because I don’t! I want a man in my life. I love the companionship that a relationship brings to my life. I like that G. and I can laugh and giggle about silly things. I like that we can go out or stay in and it’s all good. I absolutely love that he makes me feel like I am a priority in his life. Even though he works a lot, he makes time for us to be together. Although his schedule is a bit erratic, I am finding that I am fine with it. I don’t mind that he comes over late at night. We may not have a lot of time together when he comes over late at night, but the time we do share is actually very special. I like that G. is affectionate because that is something that I love, but it was missing in my life for a very long time.

He told me that he deleted his online dating profiles because I was special and I was the only woman he is interested in. I believe that is a good sign that indicates that we are headed for an exclusive, committed relationship. Although I deleted my online dating profiles about three weeks ago, I never would pressure him into deleting his before he felt he was ready. We have been seeing each other pretty regularly, and he has been coming over after work on most nights for the past two weeks. I could get used to having him around. I never thought I would say that, but he really is a lot of fun to be around. The fact that he loves to cuddle at night is simply an added bonus! Waking in the morning entangled in his arms is really a wonderful feeling that I have been missing for a VERY, VERY long time.

Where will this go? Who knows? Will G. and I have one of those perfect relationships? Who knows? All I know is that I am enjoying our time together, and I am really liking how things are for me right now. All I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the happiness for all that it is worth.