16 days since my life changed…

It’s all a big blur, but yet so real that it is frightening, overwhelming, and emotionally draining.

My brother Jeff came out the morning after Mark passed away. He made all the arrangements for Mark’s cremation and Memorial Service. He made me a spreadsheet of all the stuff he thought I would need as well as a list of things that I needed to do. He contacted people and companies. He answered the phone when I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Having him here was exactly what I needed (and wanted).

You don’t have to be blood to be family!

Me and my brother Jeff

For those of you who don’t know, Jeff and I are not biological siblings. I was adopted as an infant, and Jeff was the biological son of my adoptive parents. Sure, we fought as children, but when we became teenagers, he developed that protective brother thing.  He’s always been there for me anytime I ever needed him, and he has always treated me like a treasured sister. I am extremely lucky to have him for my brother.

A lot of friends came by the first week to visit, and it was quite welcome. I did get to see some friends who I hadn’t seen in MANY years! It was nice to see them, but unfortunately it had to be under such poor circumstances.

After Jeff went back, I was left to fend for myself. the first week was difficult and lonely, but the shock had not worn off. I went through the motions of life, and I did get a lot of the calls made and things done that were on my list.

During that first week, I also took care of some personal stuff like going to the doctor and dentist, and taking my sweet Goldendoodle, Belle, to the vet for her rabies shot and check up.

The Memorial Service was held on January 26, 2013, and it was bittersweet. I was able to see my friends, and all of the friends from Mark’s school that I got to know throughout the years. I also met some new people from the school he was currently working at.

The turnout was very nice. We had about 60 people who stayed for the meal, and close to 70 in all. The service was beautifully done by a close friend who is a Life Cycle Celebrant. When the person doing the service knows the deceased, it makes all the difference. She did a wonderful job, and I am forever grateful for her generosity. Mark always liked her, and I was happy that she offered to help us. Mark would have been proud. She has shown what a good friend she is, and I am grateful for her and our friendship.

We had the Memorial Service at an Italian Restaurant called Pulcinelli’s in Parlin, NJ. It was catered by Lisa’s Pizza, and all of the food was just wonderful The cake was a yellow cake with bananas and strawberries in the filling, which was Mark’s favorite cake. He used to always get it for baked for birthdays (especially mine because he knew I loved it as well). The day was a wonderful way to honor my beautiful and loving husband.

Going back to work at the ten-day mark was a blessing and a curse. It was good to get into a routine, but there were still so many phone calls to make and things to do. It was also hard to concentrate for long periods of time. My mind would wander and then the sadness would hit, and I’d find myself fighting back tears.

Going home in the evening was tough. I was used to being alone a lot because Mark had dialysis three nights a week, and he wouldn’t get home until nearly 8:30 PM. But I knew this was different, and it was hard to cope with the loneliness. Some nights were easier than others. A couple of nights I talked to friends on the phone, and that helped me. Just having a conversation with someone was a relief from the emptiness. It didn’t even have to be a long phone call, just 10-15 minutes was enough to make me feel like I was not alone.

I have been receiving cards in the mail just about every day. I have read every single one. I still have not been able to read the cards that Mark’s students made for me, and I haven’t been able to read the memory books that we put on the tables at the Memorial. I’m not sure when I will be able to read them. It’s just too painful now.

I have been keeping a list of the cards and stuff that I’ve received. I know that I should send thank you cards, but damn, this is so painful that I don’t even know when I will be able to write them out. It would be like stabbing myself in the heart with each card I would write.

Today I made my first trip to the grocery store. I couldn’t go to the store that we normally went to because I didn’t want to deal with the memories. Actually every where I go has memories. Driving down the highway reminds me of Mark. I drive along and I see our favorite restaurant or the McDonald’s where I’d get my McRib. I pass the Dunkin’ Donuts that Mark would always get my coffee and “flavor of the season” donut. I guess the bottom line is that being out hurts and staying in the house hurts.

I’m trying to be more social now. I used to be a pretty social person, but it just about stopped when Mark was diagnosed with kidney failure. His energy level was never good, so the fatigue kept us in the house a lot. Sometimes I hated being home all the time, but for the most part, I simply changed my thinking, and I grew to enjoy our quiet times together.

Tomorrow I am going out with a friend for a few hours. She cares for horses, and she invited me to go. I will admit that I am afraid of horses (they are HUGE!) but I will step out of my comfort zone, and I will try to join the world of the living. On Tuesday I have plans to go out with another friend. He and I are going to do dinner at Jose Tejas in Woodbridge. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. We always talked about getting together, but it never happened. Now it can. I can go back to being the social person that I used to be before I stepped into my “caregiver booth”.

I am trying to keep busy and find myself again, but is not easy. I know that Mark would not want me to sit in the house day after day, night after night and just cry. He’d want me to be happy. I don’t know when happy will come, but I can at least try to keep moving.