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My life’s changed in so many ways!

August 10, 2013 2 comments

It’s hard to keep up with the pace in which my life is changing these days. In so many ways, my life has gotten better and simpler. I’m actually having fun for the first time in many years! I’m actually getting out and doing things this summer. I’ve been to the movies about half a dozen times, I have gone out for dinner (to various places including my local Italian place, Friendly’s, and a high end Steak House in northern New Jersey) and hit up several Dairy Queen’s for my most favorite snack of soft serve ice cream cones. And I’ve gone out on a jet ski!! I have George to thank for all of this! It’s been almost 3 months of us being together, and we are settling into a routine of comfort and caring, which we are both enjoying!

Yesterday I spent the day with my dear friends JS and GS who live about 45 minutes away from me. It was a fun day of food, talking and a 3D movie. It was wonderful to see them, and I look forward to seeing them again soon!! If the weather is nice, I am going to go tubing in the Delaware River with GS. I would have loved for JS to go with us, but she is recovering from surgery, and tubing would be a very bad idea!! As I drove to their house, I was acutely aware of how far I have stepped out of my comfort zone in the past seven months. I can remember being paralyzed with fear when it would come to driving to places I’ve never been. Now that seems to be a fear that I have conquered since I’ve driven to Jackson, NJ, Little Ferry, NJ and Exton, PA. I don’t know how I overcame the fears, but I think it is combination of necessity and the fact that I don’t have someone putting negativity in me. I used to think I was being supported by Mark, but in a way, he was stifling me to keep me from doing those things that would free me from my fears. Didn’t realize it until just recently, and I didn’t like what I realized.

Yet, even with all the fun I have been having, I am acutely aware of the magnitude in which my life has changed. I am not saying that this is bad — or even good, it just is. I am liking my new home, and I most certainly like that I am finally, at the age of 50, able to do this on my own without the help of anyone.  However I spent 14 years with Mark and life is definitely different. I can’t say it’s lonely nor am I unhappy, but it has changed. And even though I am so happy with my life as it is now, I occasionally miss my old life. It was not perfect. It was stressful. It was chaotic, but it was mine. I sometimes can’t believe that Mark is gone. He was not a perfect man, but the life we had was “mine”, and it was a relatively safe life. Granted, the “unknowns” were scary, and the future would always be stressful, but it had its moments.

I am loving my time with George. I don’t know where it is going to go or how things will end up, so I simply enjoy it each day that we are together. It’s becoming comfortable in new ways each day, and I like comfortable. It equates to peace and simplicity, and those are two of my favorite things. George is a “fly by the seat of his pants” kind of guy. I’ve learned that you cannot be a regimented person when you are with a man like George. He has no timeline and he has no real schedule. I did regimented for many years, so this is something that I am enjoying. I am easy-going so this works for me. I never realized that I didn’t like schedules until recently!! I am not a leader so making the plans and being in charge is no fun for me. I am perfectly happy with letting someone else to do it. George does not seem to mind the task, and it is working for me.

Where is this going to go? I have no idea. I am enjoying life as it is now. I have been so happy these days, and I get terrified that it is going too well and it will all come crashing down around me and implode! But even though it is human nature to think this way, I try to push the fears back, and just go with the flow, enjoying all the fun I am having, spending time with the wonderful and loving people in my life, and doing things that make and keep me happy.