Posts Tagged ‘loss of a spouse’

The circle of life… a Space Oddity!

January 11, 2016 Leave a comment


Today I woke up to several news alerts on my cell phone telling me that David Bowie had passed away after an 18-month battle with cancer.

I was stunned, because like so many people, I had no idea that he was even ill. He was 69 years old, and in this day and age that’s not old at all.

I liked his music. He had a very eclectic sound, he was ahead of his time, and he was paired with some of the greatest singers of all time. His duets with Mick Jagger, Freddie Mercury, and Bing Crosby were just some of the classics.

He was married for many years to his wife, supermodel Iman. They shared a very touching love story that I only read about today.

The legend of David Bowie will live on forever through his music. While I didn’t know all that much about his life, I still find it sad that he passed away. It’s just another harsh reality that no matter how much money you have or who you know or how famous you are, when your time is up, it’s up.

The circle of life means many things to many people. To me, it’s birth, it’s living, and it’s dying. No one is immune. You can’t beg or plead for more time. All you can do is live each day to its fullest because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Rest in peace David Bowie. You were a man, a genius, a father, a husband, a legend.


To Ziggy Stardust, in your memory, I say,”Let’s Dance!” I think it’s what you would have wanted!


The freshness of a new relationship….

July 2, 2013 2 comments

The freshness of my relationship with G., coupled with the newness of my revamped life, has left me feeling quite elated these days. Do I have the right to be happy? Damned right I do! I don’t need to make any excuses for who I am, what I am doing, and how I feel.

BonGeorge613Honestly, I am feeling quite good these days. My new home is coming together nicely. I am down to a handful of boxes that need to be sorted through. I am quickly reaching the point where I need to just do some decorating such as hanging curtains, buying some area rugs, and hanging pictures and photos. Once I eliminate the few boxes, I will make a final run to Goodwill to get rid of the last of the donations. Once that is done, I will be able to entertain. I am looking forward to cooking a nice dinner for G., which is something that I promised him I would do! And anyone who knows me, knows that I never make a promise that I do not intend to keep!

I have to be honest, I’m in a much better place than I have ever been at any other time in my life. I am not the person that I was six months ago. I am certainly not the person I was when I entered into a relationship at any other point in my life. For the first time in my life, I WANT a relationship, and I do not NEED one. I don’t need someone to support me or take care of me in any way. I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. I think that makes a HUGE difference.

I have found that the start of a new relationship is enjoyable when you don’t feel the need to self-sabotage it! I think G. is the first man I have ever dated with whom I did not over-think and over-analyze things. I’m not sure how to even express why I think this is. If I had to guess, I would say it’s because I am enjoying the newness of this experience, and I don’t feel the need to hold on to it for dear life. I don’t NEED him in my life, but instead I want him to be there. That makes a world of difference.

I hated that I always self-sabotaged a relationship, and then I had to work to try to repair it if I was repairable. With G., I am just going with the flow, and I am taking it one day at a time. I don’t put pressure on him, I don’t dig too deeply into his daily life, I don’t ask too many questions, and I don’t make demands. Surprisingly, this makes getting to know him and spending time with him a lot of fun! And it makes our relationship really very healthy.

In the past, I would always second guess everything thing I did, over-analyze things that were said, worry about where the relationship was going, and do just about every negative thing that I could to destroy the relationship before it ever had a chance to get started.

When you don’t self-sabotage, the start of a relationship is actually fun! There are so many possibilities! I am enjoying getting to know G. as a man, a person, a friend, and a partner. I am learning about him, his family, his past, his likes and dislikes, and his habits. I don’t feel the need to scrutinize every thing that is done and said. I’m not sure why. I guess it is because I’m in a good place and I am secure with myself.

I am not worrying about where our relationship is going, but instead I’m just enjoying each stage because sometimes it just happens and you can’t time it!! (Thank S.S. for those Words of Wisdom) I think because G. calls and texts me quite regularly, I don’t have time to even think about worrying and wondering where this relationship is going. In the past, I could very easily get into an “obsession” mode where my mind starts to do and think stupid thoughts. But because G. is attentive and expressive, I haven’t had any reason, real or imagined, to obsess and create self-induced drama!! Thank goodness because that shit gets really old, really fast!!!

So what’s the point of this blog post? Damned if I even know. I just feel happy, and I want to share it with the world. I have no magical powers to see how my life will turn out, and I am not sure that I want to know. I just want to enjoy it for all that it is.

Since things with G. are going so well, I think I want to begin to share parts of this relationship on this blog because it is becoming a large part of the person I am and the woman I have become. It is a part of my own personal journey – regardless of the outcome.

I know this blog initially started out as something of a journal for Mark’s kidney disease, and when he died it was all about my pain and struggles to go on without him. As I am reaching my full potential as a person and a woman, it may seem like this blog is taking another twist. In a way I suppose that is true since I don’t have the same struggles that I did only five months ago.  In some ways I still miss Mark, but it is not a life that I could go back to, even if I wanted to do it again. It was a difficult and hard life, but it is the one that I chose to stay a part of because it was what I wanted and needed to do — and because it was the right thing to do. My heart no longer aches with the intensity that it did right after Mark died. I no longer feel the extreme pain of his death, and for the first time in a very long time, I can see the forest through the trees. I’ve healed to the point where I am able to see the big picture. And that big picture is very simple. I am still alive, and I need to live my life in a way that brings me the most happiness.

I’ve learned that I want to live simply. I don’t need material things to make me happy. In some cases, less is more. I don’t need fancy and high priced things. I don’t need the latest and greatest trends to be happy. I just need the basic necessities, good friends and family, and enough money to cover the bills with a bit to put aside as a cushion.

Notice I didn’t say that I NEED a man in my life? It’s because I don’t! I want a man in my life. I love the companionship that a relationship brings to my life. I like that G. and I can laugh and giggle about silly things. I like that we can go out or stay in and it’s all good. I absolutely love that he makes me feel like I am a priority in his life. Even though he works a lot, he makes time for us to be together. Although his schedule is a bit erratic, I am finding that I am fine with it. I don’t mind that he comes over late at night. We may not have a lot of time together when he comes over late at night, but the time we do share is actually very special. I like that G. is affectionate because that is something that I love, but it was missing in my life for a very long time.

He told me that he deleted his online dating profiles because I was special and I was the only woman he is interested in. I believe that is a good sign that indicates that we are headed for an exclusive, committed relationship. Although I deleted my online dating profiles about three weeks ago, I never would pressure him into deleting his before he felt he was ready. We have been seeing each other pretty regularly, and he has been coming over after work on most nights for the past two weeks. I could get used to having him around. I never thought I would say that, but he really is a lot of fun to be around. The fact that he loves to cuddle at night is simply an added bonus! Waking in the morning entangled in his arms is really a wonderful feeling that I have been missing for a VERY, VERY long time.

Where will this go? Who knows? Will G. and I have one of those perfect relationships? Who knows? All I know is that I am enjoying our time together, and I am really liking how things are for me right now. All I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the happiness for all that it is worth.

Attending a Bereavement Support Group

February 13, 2013 Leave a comment

supportgroupI went to my very first Bereavement Support Group Meeting last night at the local hospital. I was a little nervous and anxious as I waited to leave my house. When I got to the hospital, I got sad thinking that the last time I was at the hospital was right after Mark had passed away.

I did manage to go inside and went to the room where the meeting was being held. There were about 8 people there when I got there. All were welcoming and friendly. By the time the meeting started, there were about 15 people total, and about 4 of us were first timers.

The group was a general bereavement group, but most of the people there had lost a spouse. Two women had lost their mothers, one woman lost her father, and another woman lost her brother and a best friend.

The group was mainly women, with two men there. All of the people were at different stages of the healing process. One woman was four years out, and many were 1-2 years out.

The group was facilitated by one of the Chaplains at the hospital. She was a very nice and soothing type of woman, and I liked her immediately. She talked about the grieving process. She said it was different for each person, and it is a highly personal thing. She talked about the physical symptoms of grieving including sadness, constant crying, anxiety/panic, depression, as well as headaches, aches and pains, and a pain in
the chest bone (although she did encourage a doctor visit as it could be something more serious). She said that sleep at this time is very important because it helps the body heal and rest from the pain and stress. She said in the early stages of grief, it is important not to get overtaxed or over tired. She suggested reaching out to family and friends to help with simple tasks like cooking, cleaning, and running errands.

She went around the room having everyone state their name, and if they were able, to tell who they lost and any other details they wanted to share. I couldn’t really share much because the pain, loss and tears were overwhelming. All I managed to share was my name, and I told them that I lost my husband Mark almost 4 weeks ago.

supportIt was comforting to hear the other people share their story and how they were coping, and it was good to feel that I was not alone in how I was feeling. The people were very warm, and so so kind. After the group meeting, they were huggy and kept saying I should come back and let them all help me through it. They all said they understand and they know first hand what I am going through. The hugs were warm and genuine, and they were most welcomed. I was so used to getting many hugs from Mark each day, and now I miss the physical contact that we had.

I will go back in two weeks. I found it helpful in the sense that I am not alone, and it got me out of my house, and around people. I don’t know when (or if) I will be able to tell my story or talk about Mark without crying, but I think the comfort is worth going for.