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Three years.

January 18, 2016 Leave a comment

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That’s how long it’s been since Mark passed away. 1095 days.

So much has happened since that night. Nothing ever prepares you for the death of a spouse. Nothing. Even though he was sick for years before he passed, it didn’t make it easier.

And now it’s three years later. So much has changed. I look around my home, and realize that time has kept marching on. Gone is the color brown. A lighter and brighter me has emerged.

Gone is the deep pain, but what remains are the memories of the 13 years we were together. Some bad. Some indifferent. But mostly good. I used to remember and it cut like a knife. Now I remember and I smile. Yes, sometimes I still cry, but it’s not like it was the first year after Mark passed.

I didn’t think life could or would go on. But it did, and I can honestly say I’m happy. Sure, there is always room for improvement, but on a personal level, life is good.

I don’t think this date will EVER be a happy one for me, but it will hopefully never be one of doom and gloom.

I made it through these three years because of the love of friends and family, but also because I found strength that I never knew that I possessed. I always considered myself a weeny. I never thought I was equipped to handle the cruel world we live in. Mark used to tell me that I was too sensitive and emotional. He said I needed to be tougher and more assertive. That’s never worked for me. It’s not who I am. I haven’t changed in three years. I still possess my “weeny tendencies” but who I am is what made me the person I am today.

I have learned a lot since Mark passed away. I now know that I can function quite well on my own. I admit that I prefer not to because I love having someone around to share life with on a daily basis. I learned that life is short, and money is not everything. It definitely makes life easier when you have it. But it won’t buy you love. That comes from within.

A lot of the things that I learned are deep and very personal. Even I won’t share them with anyone, but the important thing is that I learned.

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As I start my fourth year without Mark, I am grateful for our years together. I think about him often. I miss him more than I admit. And a part of me will always love him.

Having said that, I know that he’d be proud of me, and I know that he’s glad that I listened to him. He always told me if he should pass away, I should find love and happiness again. I can be stubborn, but I took his advice and honored his wishes.

I know he’s looking down on me, and I know he approves.

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Just an Observation…

March 14, 2013 1 comment

It’s officially been 8 weeks since Mark passed away. In some ways it seems much longer. And in some ways it seems much shorter.

I can honestly say that the excruciating pain is starting to subside just a little bit. This is not to say I don’t miss him. Nor does it mean that I don’t cry.  I still cry every day, but the length of the crying jags is starting to shorten too. Thank goodness for that!

My doctor says that my sinus issues are due to inflammation and irritation due to… GUESS WHAT? All the crying I have been doing. Well how about that! It’s not like I can do anything about that. I figure when the time comes to stop crying every day, the sinuses will heal! Until then, I suffer with this!

I’m trying to move forward a little bit each day. With the help of some wonderful friends, the basement is sorted out into two piles. KEEP and SELL/DONATE. The guest bedroom has been started. It looks like a bomb went off it there. The closets are cleaned out of Mark’s clothing. All of it, except for clothing with tags, were donated to The Goodwill Store.

Going through all the stuff was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Granted it was no picnic, but I was not a bumbling mess either! I think I will be better once I get out of this condo. This place is like wallowing in a box of memories. Not good and not healthy.

Gotta move forward a little bit each day. That is what Mark would have wanted me to do.