The Five Stages of Grief

Today marks the Four Month Anniversary of Mark’s passing, and I realize that I have come a very long way. It’s been hard. It’s been sad. I’ve been through so much in four months that I never thought I would have to deal with at this stage of my life.

Five Stages of Grief

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I’ve been through the stages of grief. I’ve been through some of those stages several times. I did the denial thing. I couldn’t grasp the fact that Mark had actually died. I had trouble believing that I was a widow at the young age of 49. Never saw it coming. Sometimes I have a little trouble believing he is gone, but it’s not the same as it was months ago.

Bargaining was not one of my longer stages. I knew that Mark was gone, and I knew that there was no bringing him back. There was no reason to bargain. What would be the point?

The Anger Stage was and is a HUGE one for me. I was angry at Mark before he died because so many of his health problems would/could have been avoided if he had just taken better care of himself. He would rarely go to the doctor and when he did, he was non-compliant with what ever the doctors had told him. It would make me very angry, and I didn’t understand why he was so apathetic when it came to being healthy. He seemed to take better care of himself after he started dialysis, but I think that was only because he was forced to see doctors and follow protocol.

I was angry that he left me to deal with all the loose ends. I realized that I was in the dark about a lot of things in our financial house. I should have paid more attention to what was going on, but I trusted him, and I never thought to question it in the manner that I should have.

I’m angry that I’ve missed out on life for the last four years. This does not translate to regret over anything that Mark and I shared together. However, I missed out on time with friends, sacrificed my own personal wants/desires, put my dreams on the back shelf, and put myself in the roll of caregiver all out of the love that I had for him.

I didn’t really hit a deep Depression. I was sad, and I did a hell of a lot of crying. Way more crying than I could ever imagine that one person could actually do. But thankfully I never hit a deep low of depression. Maybe the xanax helped? Maybe it was the love from my wonderful friends? Maybe I really am stronger than I thought that I was?

Now I have reached the Acceptance Stage. I think I’ve been approaching it for a few weeks now. I know that Mark is gone. He left me before I was ready, but it was his time and God’s will. I know that I will always love him and miss him, but I need to walk forward and find myself and my own happiness. I will be moving in three weeks into a place of my own, and I will have a new freedom that I’ve never had before. Mark didn’t leave me destitute and he did give me some basic “instructions” for what to do if something happened to him. While I wasn’t prepared for this new life, I will adapt and do the best that I can.

I’ll be able to do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want. I’m not totally sure what that is yet, but I am looking forward to finding out. I’m looking forward to decorating my new place MY way with the colors that I want. I’m’ looking forward to new beginnings and fresh starts.

I know that Mark would approve.