The freshness of my relationship with G., coupled with the newness of my revamped life, has left me feeling quite elated these days. Do I have the right to be happy? Damned right I do! I don’t need to make any excuses for who I am, what I am doing, and how I feel.
Honestly, I am feeling quite good these days. My new home is coming together nicely. I am down to a handful of boxes that need to be sorted through. I am quickly reaching the point where I need to just do some decorating such as hanging curtains, buying some area rugs, and hanging pictures and photos. Once I eliminate the few boxes, I will make a final run to Goodwill to get rid of the last of the donations. Once that is done, I will be able to entertain. I am looking forward to cooking a nice dinner for G., which is something that I promised him I would do! And anyone who knows me, knows that I never make a promise that I do not intend to keep!
I have to be honest, I’m in a much better place than I have ever been at any other time in my life. I am not the person that I was six months ago. I am certainly not the person I was when I entered into a relationship at any other point in my life. For the first time in my life, I WANT a relationship, and I do not NEED one. I don’t need someone to support me or take care of me in any way. I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. I think that makes a HUGE difference.
I have found that the start of a new relationship is enjoyable when you don’t feel the need to self-sabotage it! I think G. is the first man I have ever dated with whom I did not over-think and over-analyze things. I’m not sure how to even express why I think this is. If I had to guess, I would say it’s because I am enjoying the newness of this experience, and I don’t feel the need to hold on to it for dear life. I don’t NEED him in my life, but instead I want him to be there. That makes a world of difference.
I hated that I always self-sabotaged a relationship, and then I had to work to try to repair it if I was repairable. With G., I am just going with the flow, and I am taking it one day at a time. I don’t put pressure on him, I don’t dig too deeply into his daily life, I don’t ask too many questions, and I don’t make demands. Surprisingly, this makes getting to know him and spending time with him a lot of fun! And it makes our relationship really very healthy.
In the past, I would always second guess everything thing I did, over-analyze things that were said, worry about where the relationship was going, and do just about every negative thing that I could to destroy the relationship before it ever had a chance to get started.
When you don’t self-sabotage, the start of a relationship is actually fun! There are so many possibilities! I am enjoying getting to know G. as a man, a person, a friend, and a partner. I am learning about him, his family, his past, his likes and dislikes, and his habits. I don’t feel the need to scrutinize every thing that is done and said. I’m not sure why. I guess it is because I’m in a good place and I am secure with myself.
I am not worrying about where our relationship is going, but instead I’m just enjoying each stage because sometimes it just happens and you can’t time it!! (Thank S.S. for those Words of Wisdom) I think because G. calls and texts me quite regularly, I don’t have time to even think about worrying and wondering where this relationship is going. In the past, I could very easily get into an “obsession” mode where my mind starts to do and think stupid thoughts. But because G. is attentive and expressive, I haven’t had any reason, real or imagined, to obsess and create self-induced drama!! Thank goodness because that shit gets really old, really fast!!!
So what’s the point of this blog post? Damned if I even know. I just feel happy, and I want to share it with the world. I have no magical powers to see how my life will turn out, and I am not sure that I want to know. I just want to enjoy it for all that it is.
Since things with G. are going so well, I think I want to begin to share parts of this relationship on this blog because it is becoming a large part of the person I am and the woman I have become. It is a part of my own personal journey – regardless of the outcome.
I know this blog initially started out as something of a journal for Mark’s kidney disease, and when he died it was all about my pain and struggles to go on without him. As I am reaching my full potential as a person and a woman, it may seem like this blog is taking another twist. In a way I suppose that is true since I don’t have the same struggles that I did only five months ago. In some ways I still miss Mark, but it is not a life that I could go back to, even if I wanted to do it again. It was a difficult and hard life, but it is the one that I chose to stay a part of because it was what I wanted and needed to do — and because it was the right thing to do. My heart no longer aches with the intensity that it did right after Mark died. I no longer feel the extreme pain of his death, and for the first time in a very long time, I can see the forest through the trees. I’ve healed to the point where I am able to see the big picture. And that big picture is very simple. I am still alive, and I need to live my life in a way that brings me the most happiness.
I’ve learned that I want to live simply. I don’t need material things to make me happy. In some cases, less is more. I don’t need fancy and high priced things. I don’t need the latest and greatest trends to be happy. I just need the basic necessities, good friends and family, and enough money to cover the bills with a bit to put aside as a cushion.
Notice I didn’t say that I NEED a man in my life? It’s because I don’t! I want a man in my life. I love the companionship that a relationship brings to my life. I like that G. and I can laugh and giggle about silly things. I like that we can go out or stay in and it’s all good. I absolutely love that he makes me feel like I am a priority in his life. Even though he works a lot, he makes time for us to be together. Although his schedule is a bit erratic, I am finding that I am fine with it. I don’t mind that he comes over late at night. We may not have a lot of time together when he comes over late at night, but the time we do share is actually very special. I like that G. is affectionate because that is something that I love, but it was missing in my life for a very long time.
He told me that he deleted his online dating profiles because I was special and I was the only woman he is interested in. I believe that is a good sign that indicates that we are headed for an exclusive, committed relationship. Although I deleted my online dating profiles about three weeks ago, I never would pressure him into deleting his before he felt he was ready. We have been seeing each other pretty regularly, and he has been coming over after work on most nights for the past two weeks. I could get used to having him around. I never thought I would say that, but he really is a lot of fun to be around. The fact that he loves to cuddle at night is simply an added bonus! Waking in the morning entangled in his arms is really a wonderful feeling that I have been missing for a VERY, VERY long time.
Where will this go? Who knows? Will G. and I have one of those perfect relationships? Who knows? All I know is that I am enjoying our time together, and I am really liking how things are for me right now. All I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the happiness for all that it is worth.
Moving day has come and gone. I’ve been in my new home for nearly six days. My wonderful brother Jeff came out to help with the move. He planned everything and took care of all the details. That saved me from having to do it because that was never one of my strong points! I had friends come over to help out and every single one of them was appreciated and loved for all that he/she did for me.
I’m adjusting to my new life, and although it is a little bittersweet, it is very exciting to be getting a chance at a fresh start. Many people never get that opportunity, so I am lucky in that sense. I am in a much better place now than I was only a few months ago. I feel like I am finally able to let go of the pain of the past and look forward to the future with hope, grace, and dignity!
A few months ago, I was absolutely convinced that I would not be able to survive this whole ordeal. I have completely amazed myself, and I feel like I have flourished in ways that I never thought possible. Not only have I moved out of the home that Mark and I shared together and packed up our life in boxes, but I have learned so many things about myself that I never knew before. I’ve learned that I have THE BEST friends and family that anyone could ever ask for in life. I never realized how much I was loved and cared about until Mark actually died. It’s completely overwhelming to me, and I am so grateful for each and every person in my life.
My heart, which I was positive was going to remain shattered for an eternity, is healing, and I find that I’m able to feel again. I don’t cry like I did only a few months ago. Thank goodness for that because all of those tears were beyond being healthy. In fact it’s been a while since I have cried over the loss of Mark. That’s not to say I don’t think of him. That’s not to say that I don’t miss him. It’s just now I’ve realized and completely believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know for sure, but I think part of the reason that Mark was taken from me was so I could learn to be my own person and stand on my own two feet. I feel it was also to make me realize just how many people love me and care about me.
I’ve become a part of society again. After over five years of being a caregiver to Mark, I am finally able to join the land of the living. I missed out on a lot of life during the time that Mark was sick. I don’t regret my decision to care for Mark. I know I did what I needed/wanted to do. I did the right thing. I did the “for better or for worse”, “in sickness and health” and “until death us do part”. I stayed by his side through thick and thin. But he was taken from me, and I am now trying to find my place in this world.
I have started dating again. Not many people know this. Mainly it’s just my closer friends, and of course my brother. A few people have expressed to me that it was too soon, but there is no timeline for grief. As long as I can wake up each day and look in the mirror, I am fine with what I do with my life. I joined several online dating sites, and although it is difficult, I put myself out there.
Online dating has definitely changed since I found Mark. The whole thing moves much faster than it did 14 years ago. I met someone name J., but after two dates, it was apparent that it was not meant to be. Sometimes it’s like that.
Then about 2.5 weeks ago, I met someone named G. He found my profile on OkCupid.com. On May 19th, while I was surfing that site, he sent me a chat message. I responded, and we chatted for about 45 minutes. He had to go to work, and he gave me his cell phone number, and he asked me to call him to talk while he was driving to work. I normally wouldn’t call a man so soon since I do prefer to get to know someone via chat/email before I give out my cell phone number. Something about this man intrigued me, and I took him up on his offer, and I called him. We hit it off, and this started the cycle of texting and talking on the phone. He was very attentive and sweet, and six days later, I agreed to meet him. He came over to my house after work (which on that night was around midnight), and he ended up spending the weekend with me. In case anyone really needs to know, I have not had sex with him. My sex life seems to be a big subject as soon as I mention that I am dating. So now you all know. And after seeing him for nearly three weeks, I STILL have not had sex with him. That’s not what I am looking for at this point in my life. And he completely respects my decision. I like that in a man.
I know that some of you are thinking, “What the f*** is she doing?”. I’ve heard the comments about inviting a man over who I don’t know. I’ve heard that it is too soon to be dating. I’ve heard all kinds of judging comments. You know what? It is MY DAMN LIFE! And I will live it like I please. I was not put on this earth to please others. I was not put here to follow guidelines that others think I should follow.
I am simply finding my own happiness, enhancing my own life, and hopefully enhancing the life of others. I don’t know if G. will be the man for me, and I can’t even begin to forecast the future. If I had been able to see the future, I would have seen Mark’s inevitable death, and I would have planned for it better. But there are no guarantees in life except that someday it will end. I intend to be as happy as I can for as long as I am here. Finding my happiness is based on my own personal choices, not the choices of others.
I’m enjoying my time with G. I have no crystal ball to tell me if this is going to work out in the end, but it doesn’t matter. I will enjoy each day for what it is and do the same again tomorrow. All I know is that right now, at this point in my life, I am happy. I am happy with my new-found life. I am liking my new home. I am liking my independence. I am liking my freedom. I am liking that I do not have to “check in” with anyone. I am liking that I come and go as I please. And I am liking the time that I spend with G.
It’s been a long time since I had someone take me out on a date. The last two nights I went out after work with him, and it was fun and exciting and exhilarating and special and enjoyable. I don’t care what others think. It’s my life, and if you think I am doing something wrong, you know how to walk away from me and make a grand exit from my life. There’s no reason to look back because if you are truly my friend, you will be happy for me. If you are really my friend, you wouldn’t be judging me. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I don’t have anything nor have I done anything for which I should be ashamed! I feel no guilt. I simply feel happiness for the very first time in MANY, MANY years. I intend to enjoy and bask in this for as long as I can.
I’ve traveled a tough road, but I managed to navigate the bumps, the twists, and the turns. I have dealt with the potholes and the detours. Now I am ready to travel the road of life, albeit without Mark, but I know he is proud of me and wants nothing more than to see me happy. If he can be happy for me, why can’t the rest of the people in my life??