Home > Life as a Widow > Everything happens for a reason? Actually… it does.

Everything happens for a reason? Actually… it does.

life-goes-on.jpgThis morning I heard that a friend of mine lost her husband yesterday in a tragic accident. I don’t know the details, but they do not really matter. The bottom line is that a 40 year old woman with a young child is now a widow. Ironically his death happened on her 40th birthday.

Life sucks for her right now. I understand her pain all too well. As you all know, I lost my husband Mark nearly five years ago when he very suddenly suffered a massive heart attack.

My friend’s tragedy brings back all kinds of feelings and emotions for me. I know what she will go through. I know how tough this is going to be for her and her son.

I don’t understand why these tragedies happen. What is the reason that a young woman with a small child would lose her husband who was the sole provider for the family? This friend is one of the nicest and sweetest people I have ever met. I have never heard her utter a cruel thing from her mouth. She is always so cheerful and makes everyone smile. This just seems like a really cruel joke that life has pulled.

I don’t really have any terrific words of wisdom for my friend. My best advice would be to allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We all mourn in our own way, and grief has no timeline. Let others be there for you. The people in your life really do want to help you to get through the pain, but they are hurting too. Let them bring you food, make phone calls, watch your son or your pets. It’s okay if your house needs vacuuming or the furniture is dusty or the garbage needs to be taken out. Trust me, no one will notice…. and no one will care.

Allow yourself to cry whenever and where ever you choose. You just suffered a huge loss, and your life will be forever altered by it. Take time for yourself, but do not push away the ones who are close to you. Try to maintain some semblance of normalcy. It’s not easy because nothing is normal, but keeping to a former routine can do wonders. It’s okay to talk about your pain, but it is also okay not to talk. It’s your life, and you need to do what is comfortable for you. Take time to remember the good times no matter how painful it is. Remembering will get easier with time.

patience-everything-happens-for-a-reasonIn the beginning the shock and pain will be overwhelming. It will take your breath away. It will hurt to move, breath, or do anything. This is completely normal. It gets better. It takes time. Lots of time. Give yourself a break. Take it one day at a time…. or even one hour at a time. If necessary, do it a minute at a time. It’s going to get better. It won’t happen today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. It could take months and months. But eventually the sun will peak out and you will realize that the pain is no longer crushing you. You will realize that you made it. It will happen. Time does heal, but sadly the scars do remain. But the scars are simply proof of the battles we have WON!!

When things like this happen to me or those around me, I question everything that I was told to believe. I was always told to have faith. I was told that God had a plan. I was told that God never gave us more than we could handle. I was told that everything happens for a reason. Yea right. How much of this is really true, and how much is just smoke being blown up my ass??

Faith gets shaken when bad things happen. I don’t know about you, but when bad things happen, I start with the “WHY!!!???”.

Does everything REALLY happen for a reason? If you look deep enough into the situation, it really does. You may not know the reason right away, but eventually I have always been able to see some sort of reason. When Mark first passed away, I saw zero reasons for his passing. It was like a punishment, and I just saw no reason and no purpose for why he was taken from me, and my faith in everything was severely shaken. As time went on, I started to see the reasons for his passing. Now I realize that there were a lot of reasons that his life was cut short. But are those reasons just my justification for why it happened or is there some validity to it all?

I guess that can be debated by everyone, but in my eyes. there is a reason. Actually many reasons. What are those reasons you ask? Well, I think it was to tell me that I was actually much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned a lot about myself in the months following Mark’s death. I learned to step way out of my comfort zone and do things that were uncomfortable for me. I was forced to face things that I should have known about my life but I didn’t because 1) I chose to ignore it, 2) it was hidden from me, and 3) I just could not be bothered with the details. When life is thrown in your face, the only choices you have are to quit or face it head on and just deal.

Years later, I realized that you CAN start your life over, you can find love again after a loss, and you really do get another chance. You just need to push forward and try. Life can be really good the second (and probably the third) time around IF you allow it to happen.

I hope that my friend is able to find her inner strength and put all the shattered pieces back together and start again. If any of those pieces are left over, she needs to just set fire to them and watch them burn. Life is short; way too damn short. Tragedy happens every day. People are born and die every day. But every day is truly a blessing. Live your life like it’s your very last day!!



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