What is Happy?

Does anyone have any idea what it means to be happy?

1. hap·py

   /ˈhapē/

   Adjective Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation).

   Synonyms glad – fortunate – joyful – lucky – merry – cheerful

According to Google, happy is a feeling or showing of pleasure or contentment. It is having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with a person, arrangement, or situation.

Yep, that’s me. I finally feel like I have crawled out of the fog that WAS my life, and for the first time in many years, I am feeling good. It’s almost scary because I can’t remember EVER feeling so free before.

I spent a lot of years always having to be accountable to a husband (first Bob and then Mark). I spent a few months shy of 30 years with just those two men. While I really did love being married, it is a lot of work to keep a relationship fresh and moving forward. It takes commitment, and it takes stamina. I had both of those, but not sure I’d do it again. It would have to take a VERY, VERY special man to make me want to do that level of commitment again.

Now I have freedom. I like being able to go to bed when I feel like it and not having someone complain because the light is on. I don’t have to hear the phrase, “Go to bed because tomorrow is a work day”. I knew it was a work day, but I wasn’t ready for bed, and now I no longer have to follow those rules.

I can go out any night that I choose. I can come home at any time I want. I can go out with anyone I feel like going out with. It’s my life!! All mine! I’m only responsible for me. I like this new-found freedom.

I think I am going to like living on my own. I’ve never done this before. I thought it would be lonely, but it is not. Sure, it is nice when someone is here, but my quiet and alone time is SO wonderful! I like being in my bed and not worrying about snoring and sleep apnea masks. I like being able to sleep on which ever side of the bed I decide I want to be on. I like being able to steal all the blankets!

I like only having to deal with my own personal mess. I have SO much less laundry these days. It’s only me. I can only wear so many clothes!!  I like the fact that I can eat or drink anything I want, and I can eat or drink it when I choose. I had two beers today, and I sat outside just watching the cars go by. Mark would have chastised me for drinking in the middle of the day, and I would have heard the word “lushy” come out of his mouth. But today, no one was here to give me attitude. And I liked it!!

Mark used to always insist that I eat three meals a day. He felt that “food is love”. Well, that was all well and good until I started to gain weight from all the bacon laden meals that he made. It was really difficult to follow any kind of diet while I was with him. He would bring home McDonald’s or Kentucky Fried Chicken or Taco Bell. Or he would buy cake and cookies for snacks. It became very easy to gain weight while with him. He loved his food, and he loved to cook it even more.

Being on my own is conducive to dieting. I don’t really cook, so most of my meals are salads or some vegetables. Or sometimes I will pick up something healthy or go out to eat with people. I have stopped buying sweets including ice cream. That was getting dangerous. I’d eat the whole tub of ice cream in two nights! Very very bad!! I’m feeling better, and I am losing weight.

I used to call it the Widow Diet. Then I realized that it’s the same diet that I followed when I was getting a divorce. Now I realize that it is not the Widow or the Divorce diet, but the “Happiness Diet”. It’s the diet that follows after I find my freedom. It took me nearly 30 years to realize it!!

So why do I feel so free after my marriages ends? And why do I seem to like being free? Did I really not like marriage? I thought I did. I thought it agreed with me and I thought that I loved being someone’s wife.  Now I am not so sure.

I do know this, I may be dating now, and it’s quite possible that I will end up in a long-term relationship at some point, but it is going to take a VERY SPECIAL (think one step below perfect) man to make me want to say “I do” ever again.  Maybe the third time is the charm? Then again, maybe not. Right now, at this particular point in time, marriage does not seem like a very viable option to me. I don’t want to do the “for better or worse”. I don’t want to do “in sickness and health”. I don’t want to do “in richer or poorer”. Been there, done that. I want all the benefits of a long-term relationship without that piece of paper that forces me to stay until the end, with the only real option of getting out being if he cheats on me. I can have that simply by being in a relationship, but I don’t have to do the hard parts. I know it sounds a little bit selfish when I say that, but right now I feel I have earned the right to be selfish.

That’s not to say that I am not going to treat someone I am with in a kind and decent manner. When G. came over last night after work (think 12:15 am), I did heat him up some pizza and get him something to drink. I certainly didn’t just let him starve. My kind and nurturing side DOES come out, but I am not sure I want to take care of another man again. Part of me enjoys caring and taking care of someone, but honestly, I am not ready to that yet on a full-time basis. I want to take care of me and enjoy my life before I get into the routine of taking care of someone else’s needs!

This morning I was going to cook G. a breakfast of eggs, bacon and home fries, but he wanted to have the leftover pizza. I had no problem with that, and it was definitely easier than cooking him a meal!! LOL

I think I have definitely changed in many ways. I’m not the scared little girl that I used to be. In the past, I needed to be in a relationship. I liked the security and the comfort of having someone always there for me. But I’ve been living on my own for the past five months, and I’ve realized that I don’t need a man to complete me. I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. I may WANT to be in one, but that is a whole different thing.

I’m enjoying spending time with G. It’s nice to have someone with whom I can spend time. I actually went to the movies this past week. I hadn’t done that since my friend N. and I went to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part II. That was back in November. Before that, I saw a movie with Mark in June of 2012. I love going to the movies, and I hate that I never got to go!! I also liked going out to get something to eat which I didn’t do all that often either. Did I ever mention that Mark preferred to get take out or cook at home?

Dating gives me the best of both worlds – single life and dating life. Both are good in moderation. I get to see G. several times a week, but I also get to have my “single time”, which is actually much better than I thought it would be.

I enjoy having someone take me out places. I enjoy spending time with someone. I enjoy the physical intimacy which includes the snuggling, the hand holding, and the kissing. I enjoy waking up in G’s arms, but I also enjoy sleeping in my bed alone (with Belle). I enjoy having a man hold the door for me, and I enjoy having someone pay for me. That’s not to say that I ALWAYS make him pay. I try to take him out as well, because it’s not fair (or right) to make him always pick up the tab.

I have had a much better social life in the past six months than I had in the past five years. That’s really scary to me!! I will say one thing, Bob was much more social than Mark was. Mark didn’t like to go out much. He was a home body. I like being at home too, but not 365 nights a year! He also had a problem with me seeing my male friends. It didn’t matter if they were married or single, gay or straight. He did not believe that men and women could simply be platonic friends. He  obviously didn’t understand my friendships — especially the one I had with my friend M. who I have known for close to 30 years. We’ve always been platonic friends, and we never ever crossed the “invisible line”.

Speaking of M., I am going out to lunch with him tomorrow. We used to get together all the time. I’ve had some of the best times with him. We used to get lunch and watch the trains. We’d walk around New Brunswick just talking about anything and everything. We’d hang out and cook together. We used to make HOT and spicy chicken. Or we’d grill stuff on the barbecue. After I met Mark, we didn’t see each other much at all. In fact, before seeing M. at Mark’s Memorial Service, it had been a long time since we’d spent any quality time together. I know that life often gets in the way, but geez, for years at a time?

I will never ever again be with a man who tries to restrict who I see, where I go, and who I am friends with. I was happy that G. was willing to meet my friends, my co-workers/bosses, and my brother. I like that he is willing to be social and outgoing. I’d hate to date someone who was a total home body. It worked for a while, but not any more. I want to get out there and do things, go places, see things, and start working on all the “Bucket List” items!

I did tell G. that I was going out for lunch today, but I didn’t mention who I was going with, and unlike Mark, he didn’t ask! I’m not sure how I would have felt if he did. I don’t think we are “there” yet. I do have a feeling that he wouldn’t have a problem with it. He seems really laid back about most things. I figure if it comes up in conversation I will give details, but if not, it can wait for a better time.

I realize that I am all over the place with this post. Maybe I am having an ADD day. Who knows? Maybe I’m just happy and I can’t write/type fast enough to keep up with all the thoughts that my brain is producing. That’s it!! I am going to chalk it up to being happy. I am happy with my life. I am happy with how things have been lately.

I never thought I could be happy. I never realized, until recently, how unhappy and apathetic I really was. Now I want to experience life. I want to be among the living. I want to have fun. I want to live and learn and grow and laugh! I finally have that chance, and I am going to capitalize on it in any manner that I can!!

I’m going to take my ADD self and get ready to go out for lunch with M.! I have been lounging around with G. all morning in my PJs, and now it is time to get my butt in gear and head out to enjoy the day!!! Ciao for now!