Learning to Live…
When Mark passed away, I felt as though my life was thrown into a blender! That may sound a little odd and melodramatic, but it sums up what I felt at the time. As time has passed, I have found that the blender only mixed up all the parts of my life, but in its churning, it created a new and different me.
I’ve realized that life is too short to take everything so seriously. That’s not to say that I would just act irresponsibly or reckless, but I will embrace what I want and how I feel. I’ve learned that I have the best friends that anyone could ever ask for! So many of them have gone WAY above anything that I could have imagined, and I am eternally grateful. I have also learned the fine art of “Pay It Forward”. For those of you who do not understand that concept, it’s really very simple. Pay it forward is asking the beneficiary of a good deed to repay it to others instead of to the original benefactor. It’s really a beautiful concept, and for the first time (that I can remember), I was able to do just that.
I’ve realized that there is no timeline for grief. It’s inconsistent, it’s personal, and it often hits like a damned freight train. But at the same time, it’s important to know that grief is also like a snowflake. Each snowflake is different, and each person who experiences grief deals with it differently.
I’ve been given a lot of advice and suggestions by those that care about me. The advice has been on a variety of topics such as money and finances, cooking, dating, and personal safety just to name a few. While I take it all in and listen carefully, ultimately the choices will be mine. Some of my decisions will be good and others may not work for me. This is all part of the growing process that I’m experiencing as I learn how to live on my own and for myself.
I know that I’m being given the advice because I am loved and cared about, but again, the choices are mine, and my time line is my own. If I choose to eat frozen pizza for dinner, that is my choice. If I spend too much money or buy something extravagant, that is my choice. If I choose to date someone, that is my choice. If I choose to be a bit reckless, again, that is my choice.
I’m in charge of my own life. I’m walking my own time line. And I will live and learn with each step that I take. You may not always agree with what I do or how I live my life, but just remember, it’s my life to live. I appreciate the concern and the advice, but I can’t live to please others.
“There are a lot of things about me that aren’t what you thought. But if you love me, you have to love all the things about me.” ~ Frances “Baby” Houseman, Dirty Dancing
I’m hopeful because I truly believe that my new life can be GREAT! I lost myself over the years, but I’m ready to find myself and start living again! Do you want to know why? It’s really simple, BECAUSE I’M WORTH IT!