Life goes on…

… long after the thrill of living is gone. Well, that is what John Cougar said in his 1982 mega hit “Jack and Diane”. I guess I believe that. I wouldn’t say the thrill of living is completely gone for me, but how I see things these days has changed dramatically.

But in spite of everything, life does go on. It’s been going on for the past 13 weeks since Mark passed away. It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been over THREE MONTHS. I still have moments of disbelief that Mark is actually gone. While I cry a whole lot less than I did, I am still sad most of the time even though I put on my “Happy Face”. I push through the sadness and I trudge through the pain. I don’t have all that many choices. The thought of crawling into a little ball and wallowing in self-pity is not something I am willing to do, but it sure does seem like an easy thing to do.

I’m not taking the easy road (even though I have days where I want to do just that), and I am trying to put the pieces of my (shattered) life back together. It’s not easy. It’s not fun.  A lot has happened since my last blog post, and if you really look at it from someone’s perspective other than mine, one might actually think that a few of them are GOOD things.

903890_10151422496829862_995694942_oI took a One Stroke Painting class. I painted hydrangea with leaves, clouds, and ladybugs on canvas! I really enjoyed it!! I was completely unsure that I could actually paint something that looked nice, but I did! I was really proud of my painting! I was proud of myself for trying something new and different. I want to take additional classes! They are held in my hometown, which is really not far from where I live!

And speaking of living, I found a new home for me and Belle! It’s a one bedroom condo in Matawan. It’s about 1 1/2 miles from where I live now. The condo is perfect for just me and Belle! My new landlord seems nice, and he is local so if there is a problem, I don’t have to deal with someone in another state. The condo was built in 1983, so it is about 30 years old. The unit was remodeled in the past few years. The kitchen is small, but it has new 42″ cabinets. It has a double sink with a full-sized dishwasher and stove. I’m not much into cooking so I certainly don’t need a gourmet kitchen!! It has a nice sized living room and dining room. The bedroom will fit all my furniture and it has a walk in closet. The bathroom is nicely remodeled with a new shower/tub. The condo has a lot of closet space for its size. It has remote-controlled ceiling fans, an intercom system, and a separate entrance off the kitchen. The most important thing is that I can afford it without having to go into my savings each month!

I gave notice to my current landlord, and surprisingly enough, he has been very understanding and relatively accommodating. I think it helped that I told him back in January that Mark had passed away and that I would have to move prior to the end of my lease because this condo is too large for me and also it is too expensive! I’m moving out on June 1st, so he has ample notice!

It’s rather overwhelming to have to deal with all of this alone. Mark was the planner in our family. He made the lists, delegated the tasks, and I carried out what I needed to do. Now I’m responsible for doing it all, and it is definitely NOT my strong point. I admit I am extremely stressed out with all the things that I need to do. The list grows longer and longer each day. I have trouble prioritizing what I need to do. I have trouble staying on task. I can’t focus for too long or I end up in a flood of tears. I don’t like calling people on the phone. I don’t like having a never-ending list of things to do. I feel inundated with it all, and it frustrates me! As a friend told me, I need to stop looking at the big picture. Instead I need to look at each thing separately so that it becomes doable. My friend’s advice makes a lot of sense, but I think I am going to need help with some of this. It’ s really just too much for me to do alone!

I get angry at Mark for leaving me with a mess and for leaving me alone. I get sad when I think of the dreams we had that will not come to fruition. I find it unbelievable that today marks 13 weeks since he passed away. I can’t believe how much I miss everything about him. At the same time, I am amazed that I have come so far. As much as I despise it, I am stepping out of my comfort zone and I am moving forward.

Mark would be SO proud of me.

  1. April 19, 2013 at 12:19 AM

    I am so happy you enjoyed my One Stroke class here in EB, our home town. I found a small joy in painting after the death of my fiance in the World Trade Center attack and believe that this new painting adventure will now help you in some small way. Hope to see you in class again soon and keep up the good work and strength you keep showing us. xo

    • April 19, 2013 at 4:50 PM

      I most certainly did enjoy the class, and I got a lot of compliments on my painting! For those three hours, I actually had fun and didn’t have time to think about the sadness of losing Mark!! That in itself makes it worth it!!

      I look forward to taking another class soon!! Thank you for your generosity and kindness!

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